The greening of the grass

Hey everyone!! I guess the common theme recently has been writing on rainy days, but honestly, I'm here for it. The past three Mondays have all been rainy and I think it's a sign to ease into the week and not in the mode to rush everything all the time.

The past month has been a wild rollercoaster that has brought unexpected sorrow and happiness. It is the transitioning of seasons where we are faced with the question of will you endure the middle and doubt of your process or will you quit. I definitely got lost a little bit; the rollercoasting twisting and turning in ways I had never expected. New experiences graced my life this past month, providing novel perspective to an aspect of my life I have ignored thus far. I pondered for the first time in my life if I wanted a partner by my side in such an integral period of my life, and I learned invaluable lessons on my standards and how my past has shaped my reactions to situations. For the first time, I learned what it was to just let myself experience something in the present ignoring the practicality or potential longevity. The situation ended on initially disappointing terms, but I understand my needs and wants that I would not have gained if it were not for this experience. It added joy to my March, and I am forever grateful.

Throughout the midst of all this, I grieved my father more this month than in the past year. The jarring realization that reeked through the veins of my body was that I am changing. I am no longer the little girl that my father left this world loving and who was filled with certainty. I thought about the future where I will have a partner he will never meet; I will have milestones he will never celebrate, and I will change and evolve into someone he will never get to love again. I think I was grieving the part of me that connected so well to my father that it made me live. My teenage years were such an integral part of my life and has shaped who I am today, but in a few months, I will move on from this shared ending.

Circling back to the question I have had for the past month; I am in the middle of everything. Truly resonating with the changing season into Spring, it hosts the waiting period. I have done this once before during the summer, but this time, everything will change. By September, I will no longer be living at home; I will be at an institution that I feel I will actually learn from, and I will be moving forward to a future that is meant for me. A lot has evolved and shifted over the past few months, whether it was friendship, jobs, or intentions, I am no longer who I was or hanging onto when I came home in May. I am proud of myself for that. This past month being stuck in the waiting period has truly questioned my why. Up until now, I really don't think I have ever been truly intentional all the way through a decision. I mean, I still haven't; but that doesn't mean I am going to stay that way. These past few months have focused on work, fitness, and routine. With school out of the equation, I was lacking in creative stimulation that I have now learned I need. Who would have thought that the stress I had from school created a stability that I now have to find through other stimuli. The plan moving forward is to continue to invest in this blog, but to also promote my poetry through other platforms. My inquisitive mind that fell in love with creating will come again. Mark my words.

The focus going into the rest of April and May in pushing through this middle period and choosing every single day to show up for myself. It won't be the same thing day by day, but I will not lose to this middle period. I will make it to the finish line and make myself proud. The largest shift that has happened under my nose is how I now love who I am, and I am becoming. I wrote about it today in my journal, but somehow along the way, taking care of myself healed a burden that plagued my life for so long. I am letting go of what no longer serves me and moving forward in this Spring to building a foundation that I love and that is sustainable. I hope you all are doing so well and choose to stick along, and I would love to hear about your intentions going into this Spring.

Until next time,

your hopeful/less stranger

2:20pm

04.07.2025