Dark Rainy Days

I was babysitting this little girl last night and at one point, we were playing with Play-Doh. Almost all has those memories of when they were a child and played with these malleable clumps of dough, used to craft whatever they wanted. In my household, Play-Doh was reserved for rainy days and the world had seemed too dreary. When I was younger, and I did not understand why you weren't supposed to eat it, and only understood you couldn't, I use to sneak to the small end of the couch, crouch down and sneak a piece. Looking back, I used to do that concept of hiding all the time. The couch really seemed to be my best friend. I hid hair that I cut under it and when I used to sneak candy, the wrappers made a home under that couch. When I played hide-and-seek with friends, I could never differentiate what was playing and survival, often causing me to take it too far and never coming out.

A part of me used to crave that aloneness, where I was just by myself. I would bask in the silence because it became a release of all my flaws and stressors. The problem was it grew with me. I held the most vulnerable parts of myself with a lock and key, where no one had access except me. It has certainly helped me in ways; like I never really felt lonely when I was by myself. I can take myself on coffee and dinner dates, I absolutely love solo traveling, and a day all to myself is an actual dream. But I have robbed so many people of experiencing my personality unadulterated.

January did not start as I thought it would; faced with job insecurity and the confrontation of my poor saving skills, January was meant for trials and tribulations. A few great things did happen that month: I went to Boston for the first time with an amazing person and friend and I went rollerblading with another. I made experiences and most of the month despite having to meet myself. I really had to confront the parts of myself I hid behind that lock, that being understanding that I deserve love and those around me to experience me fully. Kind of crazy how you can get to that point from learning to save, but I would just give give give without understanding the repercussions of my actions.

I have hidden myself for so long unconsciously. I thought that I don't need love because I would be moving in the next couple months, and that meant there was no chance. I have closed and ended chapters before they could begin with this mindset. I am not mad at myself because in a way, I thought it just wasn't needed, and I could live without it. But to deprive myself of something just because I can live without it is to rid myself of so many beautiful opportunities. Even further than that, I learned that in order for me to be content, I have to make decisions and have opinions. I have let others lead my life because I didn't know what I wanted to do with mine, in all aspects of my life.

February is the start to my 2025. To chasing goals and aspirations, to trying out love and what it has to offer, and more importantly, getting to know me. Making myself uncomfortable because I know there is so much in store for me just beyond that wall of fear. I have some exciting things coming up for this blog and my future. I hope you choose to tag along.

Until next time,

your hopeful/less stranger

2:09pm

02.07.2025