I have always hated taking up space. The extra layers on my body, and I thinking "I'm too much." Shrinking myself to make me seem smaller so others could enjoy as well. But no matter what, I have always taken up too much space.
Time has been moving different recently. It's been going fast, and it's so weird. I have been so used to time passing me by slowly. Drawing out the agonizing days, just wishing it'd all end. But all of sudden, it's December and almost the end of the year.
2022. Almost passed me by.
Now this isn't going to be a reflection of the year. Not just yet. Because I still have 16 more days to make this one hell of a year of growth.
So, back to my beginning statement. All my life, I've been too much for people. Too loud. Too talkative. Too big. It really did take a toll on me, and I'm now feeling the effects from it. For the longest time, I would push it off. Act confident and as if it didn't affect me. That I was so secure in myself that I could disregard it. But it's been growing. That pain, and relentlessly. Being told your whole life to tone it down really hurts. I know some people meant it as a joke, but I beg a question. If someone told you that you were too much, would you want to talk again? So, taking their advice, whether it was a joke or not, they have lost that opportunity to know me. They have lost my effort. Because if there's anything I know about myself, I do know that I will care and check in, and make you, my priority. So, that's been one of many things that have plagued my mind. I really started to question what I do value and if are these people helping or hurting me. I guess I could say I'm starting to protect my peace.
I think my body is ready to move on. Move on from this chapter of my life, but I have to keep on reminding myself that I have a little bit to go before this is over. Meaning, I'm not quite ready to take on the next step just yet. I have some more marks to make before I go off, and hopefully, not come back.
Life has been different recently. I wouldn't say I'm doing bad mentally, but there have been things that have made these past few weeks not so easy.
Moral of the story, most people would say to take up that space. And yes, please do, you deserve it. I just think that for this next period of my life, maybe instead of taking space, I give space instead. Focus my energy and effort towards those who reciprocate, and most importantly, spending it on myself. I know I need it.
Until next time,
Your hopeful/less stranger
7:22pm
12/15/2022
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