It's been a month. Actually, over a month now.
I have been wanting to write so badly for the past month but haven't. I've been told that this has to wait, that I have other/more important things to do. I've missed this. Writing has been my way to release things, and without it, I bottle up all the thoughts inside my head.
So, let's just say this past month has filled me up so much that I might explode.
Life has been good. I wouldn't say I'm depressed again, and it feels nice to not feel like I have this heavy weight pulling me down and backwards. But I definitely wouldn't say that things are perfectly fine. With the start of my senior year, I have definitely had my fair share of great things happen. Homecoming was amazing, and I have enjoyed field hockey this year. I won class vice president, and I have a project underway that I am really proud of. And while I have all of these things to be excited and grateful for, I still feel off. The beginning of this year really put a lot into perspective. Especially in learning to love myself in a crowd.
I know, it's kind of odd. Learning to love yourself usually entails loving yourself by yourself. But this time it's different. I think I can finally say that I love myself when I am alone. I honestly wouldn't say it's a confidence thing either. I have my ups and downs of course, but I can genuinely look at myself in the mirror and be happy for what I see.
It's just that this shift of being with my close-knit people to a wide variety has been an interesting shift. I enjoy school, it's just that I need to work on finding the beauty in myself when all I want to do is find it in others. I just get so enveloped into others, and their qualities, that I make myself so insecure, my progress feels like it's been shredded.
Which leads me to... doing things for me.
Often times, I just feel pathetic. That I shouldn't be doing these things that I so desperately want to do. It's time to take leaps. Take leaps and learn lessons.
Time to take chances.
Talk very very soon
Until next time,
A hopeless/ful stranger
10:47pm
10/1/2022
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