Now I know better.

Hey everyone, it has definitely been a while. College life is fun, but it is so consuming of mind and soul, that I forget about the outside world. It is so crazy. When you finally leave the place that haunted you for so many years of your life, and move to a different place, it makes you forget becuase all you've ever known was something that consumed you. These past few months have caused so much introspection about who I am as a person and what life I want to live. I have spoken before how I view myself as the narrator of my life, but ever since I was young, I was always looking to the future. Planning everything out because I do better off routine and the known. Recently, I have acknowledged that, but I have also started to look at my life realizing I am finally in control. I am playing the game of life, but I decide. I choose my life, and I don't have to do things that don't make me happy anymore.

I came across this quote: "Replace 'I should've known' with 'now I know better.' Forgive yourself, because self-shame is self-sabotage."

Evolving is such an important value to me, in reality, it is the most important. I want to be a constantly growing piece of art, and there are things I need to work on, but if it is subjective, I think I wonder when do I get to check it off. Nothing and no one is perfect, so I think I forget to celebrate my accomplishments because in my head, I'm never done.

I think I've been at war with myself lately. It is great to be aware of things and to question, but it is also exhausting. Being so aware means to never have a clear answer. It just means to jump into the unknown and learn to adapt from there. Figuring out where my boundaries need to lie, and then there being a potential of me ending up alone are currently at the forefront of my mind. I think recently I have been pushing people away because I am insecure of myself. I want to appeal and please everyone, but as much as I say I am not perfect, I sure as hell make it seem like I am. I am not a saint and not everyone around me is the devil. Life is supposed to be filled with people around you to support your successes, that's the joy of college. The learning of who you are and setting yourself up for your future. You realize your values, what you love and don't, boundaries that need to be set in place, but I think I rush everything. For me, my priorities lie in becoming a better person rather than college and school altogether.

When I think about when I was at my peak, I think to before my dad got cancer and before my life fell apart. I think when trying to become a better person, I was trying to become the person before everything fell apart. The problem in that though means that I have already reached my peak, and I know that I am not even close to reaching that. So, I know I need to spend some time rewiring myself. I know I am not behind and my experiences were needed in order for me to become who I am today.

That's all for now.

Until next time,

a hopeful/less stranger

11:26am

11.20.2023