Let's try this one more time

Okay, again it's been a while.

Turns out that depressive episode was going to last longer than expected. For the past three weeks, I have felt like I was (1) drowning and (2) being stabbed continuously but wouldn't die. Honestly, these past few weeks have been hell on earth. I just didn't know what to do. I felt so so lost, especially because these feelings were completely different and needed a different approach from prior episodes. I've now said this so many times, but I want a future. I want to move onto this new chapter. I want to graduate high school.

I think I've been ready to graduate high school for a while now. I remember when I was younger recognizing that once I graduate, it will lead me into a whole new world (cue Ariel.) At that time, I looked at it with excitement, but also nervousness. I was so used to this life I was living that the idea of discomfort scared me. I wanted to take the next step, but that next step was a little too steep at the time. Now, I am so ready. I've grown a lot, to the point that this step seems just right, and I can reach with ease.

Back to how I was feeling, I truly think it's because I've been at my house way too much. Notice how I don't call it home, as it has not been a home for a long time. It just breeds loneliness and stress. I always feel drained once I am there and am on constant high alert. It's been a really big struggle just staying on top of things because of the environment I am surrounded by. I desperately think I need to move out, but that currently is not an option, so that will have to wait. It just feels suffocating. When my dad's cancer got really bad, they were never home, as to be expected. But, in those times where I was home by myself, I thrived. I didn't have to worry about getting into an argument, yelling, judgement. I could truly just be myself. I felt free.

A feeling that I yearn for.

Now to the reason for the title. As of late, I have used such negative energy towards myself. To be honest, I am tired of the negative talk I started to gear towards myself. It wasn't helpful and kept me in this bubble of darkness. So, I decided to try out the old habits I created before my dad got cancer and everything went to shit. We are going to try again, just this time, a little different.

I hope to write soon. I have terribly missed this.

So,

Until next time,

A hopeful/less stranger

10:30am

11/13/2022