I'm not perfect. I am not even close to this unattainable goal that plagues the minds of both young and old, and in-between. But I never said I was. It was just expected from me. So, when I'm not, I hole myself up in the smallest of places, so that for once in my life, I won't feel so big. During these times, I shut myself away from the world. I actually made my world that small space, so I didn't have to worry about more than the intrusive thoughts that debilitated me. The urge to just exit my body, just so my soul could feel free. The urge to pull my hair out, as it was constantly falling out when I didn't need or want it to. I know this is natural, but these are the types of thoughts that run though my brain during my 'phases of imperfection' for a lack of better words. That feeling of needing to be clean and rid my skin and body of all its dirt, grime, and most of all, impurities.
My hands shake from the lack of control over my body. It feels as if my limbs are working on at 50% at most. I just feel them wanting to drop. The stress is too much, even for my body.
But again, I pull myself out. Every. Single. Time. I always wonder what it'd feel like to have someone else pull me out from the slimy abyss, but it will always be a thought. Never a wish. I am strong enough to do this alone. My lack of wisdom lies in the idea that I have to. I'm slowly working on that. Not learning to rely on people, but to let them in. To actually let them be a part of my life, instead of constantly keeping them at a distance. For I fear that if I let someone in, I will rely on them, and then they leave. I crave control because I never had it. I constantly relied on others because I had to. Eventually though, they left. Leaving me lost and confused, I had to relearn my way of living.
Now, looking back, I wasn't living. I had truly gotten used to surviving. So, when I get into these modes, I turn away from others. I'm not saying I'm going to completely let anyone and everyone in, but I am saying that I'm no longer going to hide thinking that these hindrances will ruin me. Well, that's it for now.
Until next time,
your hopeful/less stranger
8:30 pm
07/30/2022
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