Hey everyone, it has surely been a time since I last had the opportunity to write on here. Today is my first day off of everything since I have gotten back to school. No work, no school, no clubs, no expectations. I have been looking forward to this day for weeks and it has finally happened.
Months ago, this would be underwhelming. I would be forced to sit with my thoughts and yearn for a way out. I have never been so excited to go to sleep and wake up, and even now, at the ripe time of 2:18pm, that excitement held true.
I think I am starting to understand the joy of slow living. Letting me feel everything around me and enjoy what life has to offer. While I may still thrive and love a busy fast-paced environment, I am learning how important balance is. I have worked myself to the bone and towards a breaking point, and this is most definitely not the last time I will do this to myself, but now I think I can look at it from a different light.
I am enjoying sitting in my bed and finally having the opportunity to indulge in what brings me peace. I wrote my first poem of 2024 on Valentine's Day, and that right there is a representation of me depriving myself of the opportunity to breathe. I had lost my purpose and value to life. Working myself to the bone, I began to question my "why."
Why was I working so much? Why I wanted to transfer and where do I want to go? What is my hard work going towards and is it going to be worth it?
Living a life without clear direction is freeing, but having all the freedom in the world, what I am going to choose to do with it? Every time I started to question my why, it always brings me back to the fig tree analogy from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar.
It hosts the pressure of having to make a decision when there are all these opportunities out in front of you. It's a time limit because you have all these juicy figs, but they won't be juicy and perfect forever. They rot, and the opportunities run out, which leads me to the title: "I always want to end things myself, even if it hurts me more."
I love planning my life, and in previous posts, I have discussed my problem with letting things naturally run out. I always have something else lined up, so I don't have to deal the discomfort of going without.
That is what I am currently doing with my life. In the aspect of transferring schools, looking for internships or other opportunities of the summer, trying to find jobs for after school ends and I will no longer live in Maine. Everything in my life has a plan. I guess in a way my overdrive mode has become my stability. As long as I stay busy and have something to do, I don't have to worry about going without.
My response has become in my head, "this is just the way it goes," even though this is me choosing my hard. I am choosing to not pursue my current aspirations and goals because I can use my excuse of never having time. While I love what I do a certain extent, there is large part of me that wants more from what I am doing right now.
I am starting to feel a renewed sense of motivation, one where my goals and aspirations that have been put to the side, are coming to the surface.
That's all for now.
Until next time,
a hopeful/less stranger
2:48pm
02.19.2024
p.s. don't worry Sharon and Alishia, you will get your spotlight soon!
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