Home is no longer a home

As 2023 comes to a close, my brain has been scrambled with expectations to have everything figured out.

I have been home for around two weeks now, and from the moment I drove into my driveway, my fight or flight has been activated. Initially, my instincts told me to never unpack my car and to just not come back. Although I am glad I didn't leave, I have had to face myself and my habits upfront rather than ignore them.

Due to these thoughts and feelings, I immediately knew it was time for me to write again, but I became too overwhelmed with the comparisons of how much I've changed and the fear of losing all my progress. This past semester at school taught me so much about myself. I didn't truly realize how much I'd grown until I came home. But being in an environment that's already killed me and no longer served me has hindered in my efforts to find a way to grow in this small town. It's made me scared. I wrote a poem back in November of 2021 regarding the realization of how little I've grown when facing my nightmares. I used the analogy that home was a prison, and by the end, I had yearned for that prison to become a house again.

Life really has a way of producing full-circle moments when I least expect it.

I definitely don't regret coming back to Pennsylvania, it just doesn't feel like home anymore. And that's okay. I have enjoyed seeing old friends and the ability to catch up. I also ventured to Virginia this past Friday to see a friend from school. I love the freedom in my life to live it. The ability to make decisions for myself because my parent isn't fully present. We are all experiencing life for the first time, and I am still learning how to live, just like everyone else.

Regardless, my brain is another story. It is lost. With the structure of school and work life, college provided a schedule and priorities that made it easier for my brain to organize. Break hosting the endless possibilities and no expectations, figuring out what to prioritize and making it so I don't overwhelm myself is proving to be quite difficult. I have plans for the next year (which will be in another post) and am learning how to deal with unexpected setbacks. I am reteaching myself that it is okay to go through setbacks and life wouldn't be interesting without them. It's important to make mistakes. Besides, this is my story to tell, so why would I want it to be like everyone else's?

The year is coming to an end and for the first time in my life, I don't have this large expectation of a new start. I used to thrive on starting anew, but I am glad I'm learning to build myself and adapting to flaws and experience.

I have changed and I am different. I love that about myself and it's a reminder that I am learning I need. The rest of this break won't ruin me. That, my brain is sure of.

Until next time,

your hopeful stranger

2:40pm

12.31.2023