Hey everyone, I hope you are doing well.
I hate writing introductions and endings, it's always the hardest part for me.
A lot has happened in the past two and a half months. I mean, every time I write on here, there always is a lot that has happened. I think what's so important about this time is that I have never been so consumed with reflection and introspection. I don't think I've been so aware of how much I despise myself until now. The incessant harsh thoughts that feed and thrive in my brain is exhausting. It's spread so much that it's not just when I'm by myself anymore, but now when I'm with others, which I thought was my escape. I've talked about my lack of discipline before, but nothing's changed. Nothing ever changes. No matter how much it seems that I've grown, I'm still the same person I was two years ago. I consume and consume to try and create a new self, but behind the logic of creating a new self, at some point, that new self has to remain. I think I really struggle with maintaining things because all I really ever want to do is change within what's comfortable. I'm too scared to actually do things that help me grow. And within this amount of time, I realized how unintentional I actually live my life. I'm so afraid of taking up space, of growing out of people and relationships, that I keep myself in this box. I keep myself in this box just in case they want to come back into my life, because I value others over myself. I don't invest in myself, just the old habits because if they want to come back, they won't have to feel as if they're talking to a stranger.
I'm just so tired of it all. It's exhausting because I have to be the one to want to change. Not only want to change, but to actually fucking do it.
That's all. All that's really important anyways.
Until next time,
a hopefulless stranger
3:18pm
04/16/2022
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