I hate it. I hate it being stuck in this cycle. I feel out of my body. Constantly looking at myself from the outsider point of view. I feel as if I have no control.
There's a reason why I constantly feel the need to be in control all of the time. Because I have no control of my own body, so I seek to find in it in circumstantial things. The hardest thing is knowing that this feeling is going to continue. Wanting to do things, always being aware of it, but not having the will to actually get up and do it. Like, I want to do these things. I want to succeed. I want to be proud of myself. It's just that I can't even seem to get out of bed most of the time. I am so exhausted. I am trying. Trying to care and nurture myself, but when is the point where I can finally say enough and hold myself accountable?
This comes down to mindset. Except, I don't think my mind is stronger than my brain in this case. I am so unbelievably tired and overstimulated. I've stayed up for hours on end trying to get myself to accomplish what I wanted, but instead I wasted the time by meaninglessly strolling on my phone. How pathetic. I say I want better for myself, but I can't actually take the step to.
When will I be able to write in first-person point of view?
Until next time,
A Hopeless/ful Stranger
12:43am
08/26/2022
Kommentarer