Growing up, whenever I would look to start a new book, I would always read the last page or chapter. My philosophy back then was if you couldn't write the end of a book, you didn't know how to write one. I spent years scanning and judging books by their covers and endings, even though it was frowned upon. Most of the time it served its purpose, but there were always those times where it ruined the element of surprise. As someone who was never really surprised because I somehow would figure it out, knowing an ending didn't take away from the quality of a book.
Recently, a friend and I were listening to Billie Eilish's new album, which by the way, was absolutely amazing, and instead of starting with the beginning, I started with Blue, the last song of the album. For me, it was just a common habit, but when my friend and I started listening, I was a song behind because I skipped ahead. This situation caused me to think a little into how my life has been playing out for the past eighteen years. Ever since I was young, I have been told to enjoy the present, to "be where your feet are." That has been the hardest lesson for me to learn, but slowly, I have been making strides. Understanding that things aren't going to last forever, so to please cherish and appreciate while you have it, and in turn, the memories can live on forever. I noticed in these past few weeks that if I spend my whole life working on the ending, the journey it takes to get there loses its purpose. I focus so much on my future and this idea of becoming something, someone. I have been told time after time that I will be something, and I just wish someone could tell me. This is one element of surprise that no one can answer for me, and that scares the shit out of me.
The phrase "jack of all trades, master of none" has been stuck in my mind as a reminder lately. I remember being a little kid on the bus and thinking about what I want to do with my future. For me, picking one thing was never enough, and sitting on those bus rides feeling the pressure of having to have everything figured out, I knew there wasn't one thing that I was so good at that I stood out from the rest. I have always been above average, but never the best. In school, sports, singing, clubs, there was always someone ahead of me. While that didn't bother me much, what mattered more to me was that I had nothing to call mine.
Ever since coming home, I have been in a state of limbo. I haven't heard back from my top school I applied to, and without a certainty of a future, I can't plan. I almost feel as if this period of uncertainty is a test. I want to travel, and I hate the idea of being tied down to decisions not of my own accord; without this decision, I feel like I'm in the in-between before the ending of a book, or even chapter. As much as I want to enjoy this time and take it as a rest period, I have waited too long, and my soul has become restless. In the beginning weeks, I felt no need to move back into my childhood home. I wanted a place to call my own, one that I could return to and feel no pressure of external sources. With that, I have noticed lately how conditional I am. I have limited my life with multiple factors: no kids and no care to get married. I know I am only eighteen, and whenever I speak these values, I get told that those are going to change. As much as I have respect to those who tell me this, you aren't defined by one moment, but rather have the opportunity to be everchanging, my reasoning for these values is because of the life that my soul yearns for. As I talk about the fig tree analogy time and time again, The Bell Jar was certainly a book that comforted me in more ways than one. The ability to take opportunities and chances with only having to worry about me is crucial because I've compromised so much of myself before. I know this will change because right now I am young, and I am free. This won't last forever, but god do I want to cherish this chance to live a life of my own accord for once. My mother told me that if I don't get into the school I want to, that I should go to community college and take classes. Her comment struck a fire in me because she misunderstood my reasoning for going to school in the first place. The reason why I chose to transfer was because I wanted more, to learn and experience culture. I didn't want to get a degree just for the fun of it. The way I spend my time matters to me, even if for the past few weeks, that time has been wasted.
I told myself that the year of 2024 would be a year of intention. That I would work on the things that mattered to me, and no longer would I compromise taking care of myself for the sake of others. I am a giver, and although I want to be one of those people who can be selfish because they know what they need to take care of themselves, I have let external motivations and my carelessness of life prove my discipline of ill return. Today, or rather yesterday when I post this, marks two years of me creating this blog. This blog has seen me at my darkest and lowest points so far in this life and has been my saving grace throughout all of it. I have been so devoid of energy recently and have become to resent myself because I am reminded of who I was a year ago. Someone so battered and broken, and it seemed as if all plans were shattered. I was lost, with no point of a light to look towards. I know for a lot of people that when a big event happens in someone's life, that the moment after causes a lot of issues; I have proven myself the opposite. Grief was handed to me on a silver platter, and I handled it with grace, careful to hold and keep it steady. Recently, that platter has become heavier, even with a weight lifted because I haven't put it down. I think it's finally time for me to set it down because it's okay for me to move on.
This next step of my life is rebuilding. Learning balance where I can allow myself to give to others, but more importantly, understand and give to myself. To know my limits and not to burn myself again because I want to rush things. It's time to take a step back and reevaluate what to do with the rest of this year. I have some plans revolving around a revamp of my pride and joy, this beauty I call home. I also have some upcoming aspirations that have a deadline by the end of this year. While I am tired and uncertain about my future, I need to remind myself to take this day by day, and not to overwhelm myself with the whole picture. Maybe I just to take it puzzle piece by puzzle piece.
Happy two years and thank you to those who have chosen to read about my journey. I appreciate you more than life.
Until next time,
your hopeful/less stranger
12:26am
06.07.2024
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