"Nostalgia is just grief wrapped in a little present filled with happiness and sorrow."
I wrote that in the first paper of my college career while I was grieving the loss of my father. Initially, I only thought grief extended to the loss of a loved one. Whether it was a human or not, my perception of grief was that it wasn't nostalgia, and while I have been home, I have been proven wrong time and time again.
For the past two months, I have been stuck in my head and desperately trying to escape it. Through the consumption of social media, TikTok specifically, work, I have left no time for my brain to sit and think. Because in those moments I let myself have time for thought, my brain would immediately think about everything I'm not. I would reminisce on my past and the different phases. Four years ago, I was oblivious to my future, but living my best life at the time with the circumstances given. I woke up at the crack of dawn every day and would watch the sun rise and go on a run. I had aspirations and it seemed so easy to establish those healthy habits. Three years ago, I was lost. My whole identity had been stripped and the thought of labels scared and repulsed me. Those healthy habits started to strip themselves from my body, leaving me scarred. Two years ago, I was at my absolute lowest. Things that had brought me joy became a nuisance and everything became a chore. One year ago, my life restarted. I graduated high school and said goodbye to my cheerleader. A new chapter unfolded, filled with change.
Now, I am back in my hometown a completely different person almost feeling like I'm behind. The goals and intentions I set in the beginning of the year have loudly gone out the window, and without upholding them, I feel as if I'm failing myself. Mental health isn't linear and slowly I'm learning what it is to take care of myself while being disappointed about where I am at. Every day is day one and I am going to start taking it day by day.
Adding to feeling behind, I have a lot of choices concerning my future, and that may even be in the next month and a half. I can't help but feel the pressure to follow the timeline that's set for youth to just endure four years of school and then live. While waiting to hear back from the school in Australia, I just found out I was accepted to a school in Arizona. It threw me for a loop because I secretly accepted that I wouldn't be returning to school in the fall. Now, I am waiting to hear back from a school in Boston, and if I get in, that will add another option to a daunting choice.
One thing I've noticed about myself in the past few days is that I think so much, but I am not a person of action. For all the ideas that exist in my head, they just remain thoughts. I am so afraid of committing my all and effort for me to just change my mind. I am still trying to divulge why that is. The fact that I am writing this means that I am making progress and getting better.
Going back to the beginning of this post, I have been relishing and grieving over the person I am no longer. The more I think about it, I realized as much as I miss the feelings and those phases of my life, I never want to relive them. Those moments happened at that time and place for a reason, and to wish upon something that already served its purpose is torture and self-sabotage. My body has been in survival mode for so long and it's time for my body and I to align that the world is no longer ending. It is there for me, and I have options. Life isn't going to end when I make a choice, it's going to start. Maybe I need a big change on my own accord. My condition for myself this time around is that I will not sabotage myself when leaving. I used to think if I made myself hate something or set little cues in place of hurt, that I and the people around me would feel better when I left. I noticed I was slowly doing this with my current job and know I need to rewire my thinking.
I think that's all for now, I promise to not leave you all for so long again.
Until next time,
your hopeful/less stranger
9:51am
07.12.2024
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